Lessons From Tinder


Lessons From Tinder

“Do what you have to do. Until you can do what you want to do”- Oprah

So a few weeks ago, I decided I was officially ready to add one more thing to my already overflowing plate and start dating again. (As the crowd unanimously screams “NOOOO” at the top of their lungs) I know, I’m like the girl in Taken who’s always getting kidnapped but never learns to keep her butt at home it took three movies before she realised maybe this thing just ain’t for me.

So bear with me here. As I said I took the decision to be young, wild and free and did what all the cool kids do and joined Tinder. After many consultations with my girlfriends about a catchy bio and five pictures that looked like me as much as possible without setting expectations too high- off I went.

Swipe, swipe, swipe… How fun. As I swiped I couldn’t help but laugh at how incredibly superficial the entire process felt to me. Having been a serial monogamist my entire dating life and moving from one serious relationship to the next I felt a small sense of freedom in the easiness of Tinder.

So fast forward a few weeks later and I match with a really good looking guy. Soon thereafter we start chatting and unlike many of my other failed matches he actually managed to hold a decent conversation. After a few back and forth texts he asked if I would like to join him on a date

I agreed and he continued to be a perfect gentleman over text, yet my internal doubts started kicking in. What if his some old creepy dude planning to kidnap me and feed me maggot rice for the rest of my days (I mean seriously can’t you at least get some KFC) yet off I went.

“I can box, scream and bite” I said to my best friend “But just in case call me in 30 minutes if I don’t answer donate my clothes to charity”

I’m so melodramatic I know. Jokes aside I was actually more worried about if I was truly ready for a relationship if I actually liked this guy, could I sacrifice time, away from my career to be with someone

“There’s no such thing as work life balance. There’s work and then there is life”- Sheryl Sandberg

As he joined me in the restaurant he was every bit as handsome as his pictures and as the night progressed he was a great conversationalist, personable, adaptable and was at ease with every situation I put him in throughout the evening even after we were joined by a fun and slightly drunk random group of people.

As the night turned into morning and the euphoria of my first night living wild and free slowly started to wear off I realised something I had wanted to ignore from the time I made the decision to start dating “What we want isn’t always what we need”. Yes I wanted to date casually and carefree Rihanna style but I realised I’m terrible at being “non-committal”

When I date I give my all and sacrifice everything and what I learned is sometimes you have to trust in the timing of the universe. It’s like that feeling when you really want a taco but you actually just need a juice cleanse. The universe gave me the most seductive taco to show me what I really needed

Lessons I learned from Tinder about Life and Love:
• Trust your intuition
• Know yourself when it comes to dating we can’t all be “Needed Me “Rihanna some of us catch feelings
• Be honest with yourself about where you are in your life

We are all told that to fit into society you need to have your life perfectly balanced, a great relationship, incredible career, a well thought out seven day gym program and of course being a twenty-six year old woman I’m expected to be planning for my two and a half kids before my eggs expire.

If you didn’t already know this let me remind you the concept of work-life balance is a fallacy. The truth is at any given time one is getting more attention than the other and that’s okay. As Oprah once said “In life you can have everything you want, you just can’t have it all at once

It took me going on the “perfect” date to realise I currently love my career more than I could love any romantic partner right now and that is okay. There is always time to change and adjust sails when needed and should you ever lose your way the universe will always be there to course correct

With Love Always

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  1. Busisiwe Ntsele

    I’m a bit slow these days but u know I love these conversations with you be it in real life or blogs u so just make sense girl. I think I’m ready not too sure how I’ll do the work and balance thing coz like u I easily catch feelings but not about to compromise where I am currently career wise!! New age dihlemas hey ,after a long day of hard work need those broad shoulders sometimes!!!you just got me thinking may be I love the idea of a relationship not the work that goes into it…

  2. Julia Grundling

    sooo true. it’s even more daunting being a divorced woman. i had a few guys, but nothing worth exploring into something deeper. i tried tinder a few months ago, out of curiosity. oh my word, it’s NOT for me. very superficial. different strokes for different folks, but no thanks. i deserve the best.

    thanks for your encouragement and reminders.

  3. Belinda Phewa

    Well said Sister, many woman still need to to free themselves in this regard. Trusting your own instinct and the timing of the universe is the best thing one can do and even more so what I love about your approach is no matter which stage you are at – be it casual dating, being single or serious dating- you enjoy yourself regardless!Make your own rules! I wish more women would free themselves this way. I’ve never ever understood the pressure to be NOT single it makes no sense. Continue to inpsire with your writing
    Xx

  4. Carmen

    I always remember my mom saying to me – play the field…. which I never understood? Now I get it – been married for 20 years I have no regrets except that I would’ve done everything the same but about 5 years later! Take your time sista – everything happens just at the right time – no need to force it xx

  5. Vanessa

    This is what I keep trying to explain to people about where I stand when it comes to relationships. It’s all about timing! Again you never fail to impress Candice. 😊

  6. Amy

    You speak to me. I loved this so much the Taken reference killed me LOL!!!!!

    Your vulnerability when you share is palpable and I know you are changing more lives than you will ever realise mine being one

    So thanks and looking forward to the next one

    • Candice Mama

      I remember being out with some girlfriends and we were sharing our individual life experiences. When I realised there is no better feeling than when someone says “Me too” after you share what you have been going through

      It made me feel less “ashamed” of my journey and I realised that Shame can only exist in secrecy and darkness.

      So I allow myself to be vulnerable to allow other people to feel less ashamed and to have a “me too” moment

      Your comment means more to me than you will ever know so thank you Amy ❤

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